Machiavelli’s Guide to the PT Problem

The following is satire, for those who don’t understand.

“I, Niccolo Machiavelli, would like to lend my genius to solving “The Part-Time Problem” in American colleges. Part-timers are multiplying like… well use your own imagination. But we must deal with this issue in a smart way, a subtle way, a way even that they will embrace, or at least not complain about effectively….

The basic tools we need are a carrot and a stick. The carrot? It will be full-time “positions.” Not full-time work, of course, because anybody can do “work.” We need instead to have “positions,” which sounds much classier and more special, something that not just anyone could have. Create as many of these “positions” as we can afford.

And for the part-timers who do not aspire to such positions? Those who actually prefer to work part-time so they can spend time with their kids or write a novel? Honestly, we are doing them a favor by removing them from the pain of their part-time part-lives. Like a mother bird, we nudge them out of the nest so that they can fly—somewhere else, please!

So we open up these full-time positions, and many hungry part-timers will flock to apply for them, with whimsical dreams of upward mobility. Lovely! Of course, we must give at least a couple of these positions to current part-timers, so that the dreams can continue in others. But we should by no means feel obligated to give any more than that to the current part-timers. After all, if they’ve been part-timers for so long, are they perhaps just not “the right stuff?”

Now, the part-timers who employ basic arithmetic at this point might start to realize that new full-time positions will mean that many of themselves will have to disappear. Some will see the writing on the wall and gently bow out, seeking jobs as private tutors while they camp out under bridges maybe, but we needn’t worry about it. Others may begin to complain. For this, we need first to employ “warm reassurances.”

We can simply reassure these part-timers that we will never fire them to make way for these new full-time positions. That will be enough to appease most of the complainers. But here’s the trick: we will never have to fire them anyway, because we simply will not rehire them for next quarter! When I told Mama Mia about this trick, she pinched my cheeks and said, “Nicci, you are such a genius.” And it is true.

 We can also promise them some minor perks in their part-time jobs, knowing full-well ourselves that they won’t even have their jobs later! We can even pay a few part-timers to laud the virtues of these perks! Woa-ho-ho-ho! It is good.

The main aim is to let part-timers whimper quietly and alone when they finally realize that they are history. If we allow them to whimper loudly and together and prematurely, then that could be bad. very bad.

And if still a few part-timers persist in complaining, we will have to get out the sticks. What is the biggest stick? It is the fear and discipline that we must instill to maintain an orderly system. Isolate these complainers and label them negatively in every possible way that does not seem abjectly crazy to others. Make these complainers appear “unprogressive.” Truth is no concern here. We must enforce harmony, and not tolerate such discord in our noble pursuit.

Another stick is to make the part-timers feel wishy-washy about themselves, to create self-doubts about whether they are deserving of even their current jobs. We can imply that part-timers have quality problems (knowing full-well that we are just playing with statistics and making unscientific assertions!) and in so doing many part-timers may look at themselves in the mirror and say, “Golly, I am the problem.” How beautiful and touching!

Yet another stick we can use is to encourage current full-timers to work overtime. They can simply take the classes from the part-timers and teach moonlight assignments. It is, after all, their contractual right. In fact, this is a much cheaper way of dealing with The Part-Time Problem, because we need not even create a new full-time position! Mia Mamma says I’m a genius at saving money, too.”

Translator’s Note:
Although I personally find Machiavelli’s views on the PT Problem detestable, in the interest of public discourse it is good that they be considered.
Sincerely,
Doug Collins