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New Report Suggests English Lit Profs. Writing Too Much Worthless, Well, Crap

by John D’Angelo

Here’s what stupid uneducated people imagine that college literature professors do: teach. Here is what college literature professors actually do: write obscure papers that nobody will read. Now that’s where it’s at!

Teaching unmotivated 19-year-olds about what James Joyce “meant” is not why literature professors spent nine years in college getting various degrees of questionable value to society, okay? They got those degrees in order to be able to eloquently engage in literary microfeuds conducted via barely-read niche publications, see? Now, a traitorous Emory English professor writing is suggesting that all these academic papers that lit professors spend all their time on might be, you know… what’s another word for “worthless?” Let’s just say “worthless” until I can find my thesaurus.

“Many professors enjoy their work, finding it rewarding and helpful to their other professional duties, but if their books and essays do not find readers sufficient to justify the effort, the publication mandate falls short of its rationale, namely, to promote scholarly communication and the advancement of knowledge,” Bauerlein wrote in the report. “To put it bluntly, universities ask English professors to labor upon projects of little value to others, incurring significant opportunity costs.”

To translate that

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