How to Team Teach and Do Nothing At All

by Shari Dinkins

You been given your first assignment team teaching–but you have no time to actually teach the darn thing. What to do? Tell the Chair that you can’t handle half of three units? Don’t despair. You can get paid for team teaching without actually doing any work. Here’s how:

ESTABLISH YOURSELF AS A COMPUTER ILLITERATE. “Oh, I don’t have a computer at home.” Big sigh, “I just use the lab on campus.” Glance down, “I mean, I wish I had the money…” Weak smile, “But I guess I could try to get an e-mail account. Sure. There might be some way for me to do that.” Pulling large bag on shoulder, “So we could, you know, communicate. Or get files to each other… I guess. I mean there’s a way to do that, right?”

ASK THE OTHER INSTRUCTOR’S “HELP” IN DOING PRELIMINARIES. “I love your work for CB107,” smile, “I mean, your syllabus is just, wow. It’s just fabulous.” Adoring smile, “Say, you don’t think we could do something like that for CB103, do you? I mean it would be so nice to have something so pulled together to start us off.”

BE SLOW IN RETURNING CALLS AND E-MAILS. Or at least act confused when you do communicate. “You called on Friday?” Exasperated exhale, “Well, for darn sake… I tried to get those messages…” Long pause, “I told our secretary that my voicemail is, well, it’s broken, or something…” Softer exhale, “I push those digits–I mean my code and all. Well, I’m just never actually getting my messages. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t cover for you. If I’d known…” with a tone of concern.

SLIP SOME OF YOUR “PAPERS TO BE GRADED” INTO THEIR FOLDER OF “PAPERS TO BE GRADED.” Make sure they’re not the ones on top–they could be identified. Grading 29 papers is somehow easier than grading 37. Also, consider leaving yours for a week until students start asking for them. There’s a possibility that your workmate may pitch in to avoid angry complaints to the Chair of your department.

FIND OUT YOUR WORKMATE’S STRENGTHS AND EXPLOIT. Softly. Subtly. “Oh, your handouts are so much better than mine,” with a soft blinking stare, “I just wish I had the eye that you do for type.” Open the door for borrowsies, “I just loved the piece you used for the in-class work on Monday. Just superb.” In awe, “Say, do you know a selection like that for the section I’m doing next week?”

TELL THE OTHER INSTRUCTOR THAT THE STUDENTS RAVED ABOUT THEIR CLASS. Set up your workmate to do an encore on one of your teaching days.

ASK FOR A SMALL FAVOR THAT CAN LEAD TO A STRING OF FAVORS. “I’d love to try using the same header you do on your worksheets.” Doleful look, “Can you e-mail me that?” Later, “Oh, I just couldn’t even open the file,” soft exhale into the phone, “ I just don’t know…” Pause, “Say, could I just e-mail you what I was going to use and have you drop it into your file? Just print it out for me and drop it into my box.” Kindly pause, “Oh no, I’ll make copies.” This time.

MISS EVERY DEADLINE. The other instructor may feel compelled to help out just to avoid angry letters from the Dean.

ALWAYS LOOK HAGGARD AND STRESSED. Claim extenuating circumstances so that the other instructor feels sorry for you. Also a good set up for call-in-sick days.

ASK FOR HELP. And then somehow do it wrong anyway. Ask for rescue.

USE GUEST SPEAKERS ON YOUR TEACHING DAYS. Don’t worry–your workmate is probably covering the course objectives. Steal their speakers, too.

SUCK THEIR RESOURCES DRY. Borrow handouts, books, copies of class materials, and speaking notes. Good chance that your workmate may get tired of constantly dropping materials off in your box and simply offer to teach for you.