c Résumé Faux Pas, Typos and Grammar Slips

by Barbara Reinhold

The following were culled from actual résumés. The value of proofreading...

"Suspected to graduate early next year."

"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."

"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."

"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."

"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."

"I am a rabid typist."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

"Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981."

"After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work."

"Accounting cleric."

"As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments."

"Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."

"Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school."
 

More Résumé Blunders

"Fired because I fought for lower pay."

"Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6'5"."

"Please disregard the enclosed résumé - it is terribly out of date."

"Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10."

"Qualifications: No education or experience."

"I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy."

"My compensation should be at least equal to my age."

"Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC."

"Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near."

"Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word 'paranoia.' I prefer to elaborate privately."
 

Bad Humor

"Title: Another résumé from the 'Profiles in Excellence' series."

"Note: Keep this résumé on top of the stack. Use all others to heat your house."

"Also Known As: Mr. Productivity, Mr. Clever, Mr. Fix-it."

"Assisted in daily preparation of large quantities of consumable items in a fast-paced setting." (Translation: Short-order cook.)

"But wait...there's more. You get all this business knowledge plus a grasp of marketing that is second nature."

"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."

"My fortune cookie said, 'Your next interview will result in a job' - and I like your company in particular."

"Trustworthy references available upon request - if I give them a few bucks."

"Let's meet so you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' over my experience."

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